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This page contains material that is kept because it is considered humorous. Such material is not meant to be taken seriously.

prelude

Q: Why are ravens eaters of carrion?

A: Because their wings make too much noise

intermezzo

priest, minister and a rabbi are standing in line at the bank. ministers trying to borrow a buck from the priest for a slice of pizza, and the rabbis trying to help the priest explain to the minister why he doesnt want to do that. Whos right?

Theyre all a bunch of assholes, and none of them are going to give you any money.

prologue

jeb bush is sitting in his elliptical office in an overstuffed leather chair going through his cigar collection to see if it needs organizing. His secretary calls on his intercom and tells him the campaign manager, Marathoni, is in her office in a wild state. He has her buzz him through and he comes running in all flustered and breathless.

[Ed- no farmers daughter jokes]

"mr bush! mr bush!"

- "what. what is it, man? get a grip on yourself. catch your breath." he decants some brandy from the crystal jar into the snifter

I have good news and bad news.

- uh, give me the bad news first.

aliens have landed at the alamo.

- well thats, uh, well... whats the good news

they hate democrats and shit halcyon

Halcion it was called it turns out

Im not sure you drink brandy from a snifter

- who cares

right. how would you know

last one for today, I promise

banker dies, sees a light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. He follows it and after a while he comes to two doors. One says 'heaven' and one says 'hell.' So what the hell, he figures, Im a banker, and whatnot so he chooses the door to hell. He gets down to the bottom of the shopping escalator and the fire and brimstone is burning his nose and the plastic fibers in his three piece suit are melting and forming virulent chemical reactions with the yak hair in the tweed its so bad he can hardly breathe or stand up. Along comes a minor demon about 3-4 feet tall dressed like a doctor who was watching television carrying a clipboard and says 'name?'

The banker tells him his name and the demon puts on his reading glasses and thumbs through the thick sheaf of paper on his clipboard. After looking for a while he looks up and says 'youre not on the list. happens sometimes. Ill tell peter youre on your way up to straighten this out. use the elevator over there'

So the guy goes over to the elevator and after a while gets off at the top and theres the gates, peter the clouds and so on. Hes just getting off the phone. 'Azarus told me what happened. Ill call records and see whats going on.'

So he gets back on the phone for a while and pretty soon a door opens and out comes a mid-level management angel from the marketing department.

'Well?' Peter asks the newcomer.

'I looked him up in the system' says the angel. The banker waits expectantly, wishing he had a highball or a martini or three.

'And?' elicits peter.

'I just cant understand it," the angel muses. "He borrows at 3, he lends at 6. hes on the golf course at 3'

- 'whats the catch'

'theres a penalty for early withdrawal'

temp

hershel is taking the subway home from mikveh in brooklyn when he overhears his good friend shlomo lecturing his grandaughter in the next cubicle. "Avi, you need to listen to me very carefully," overhears hershel. "These people, they are no good. They say the nicest things, tell you the sweetest stuff to make you think theyre your friend. Then, next thing you know youre fucked. Not only that, afterwards they stubbornly persist in refusing to be of any further assistance, instead leaving you to face your troubles they caused all on your own and even begin sabotaging you at every turn in every imagineable way and then some unimagineable ones too."

"Ay, shlomo" interjects hershel from behind the partition. It is good you are telling Avi of the dangers of teenage dating"

"What dating?" returns shlomo. "I am talking about the democrats"

[ed: again, in the most unifying and healing way possible]

interlude 1

wildschwein sitzt am kufuerstendamm in der kneipe

hochhaus spaziert vorbei, dabei bekommt das wildschwein einen keuchhusten. das hochhaus allerdings misversteht dies als ein pfeifen

was soll das, labert das hochhaus das wildschwein an. das waldschwein andererseits fuellt sich beleidigt, und fragt sich selber, wat is'n dit jetzt fuer shnulli.

das hochhaus allerdings mus das jetzt im gesicht des wildschweins ansehen, und fuert halbstark vort: du hast gerade mein weib bepfiffen

ihre frau? respondiert das wildschwein. meinen sie, dieses flugzeug?

interlude 2

wildschwein sitzt im Wald-Cafe. Hochhaus spatziert vorbei. Wildschwein nimmt n schluck von seiner berliner brause und quietscht vor freude vor sich hin. Hochhaus laberts an. was soll das

wat meint det wildschwein

sie haben soeben meine frau bepfiffen, shimpft das hochhaus

wat issn dit jetzt fuer schnulli, meint das wildschwein. so ein bloedsinn. hab Ich doch gar nicht. Uebrigens, was fuer frau

das hochhaus schaut sich bezweifelt um. verdammt! habe Ich woll zuhause vergessen

test

Rabbit gets asked to speak at the bear convention on the topic of 'does shit stick to yore butt.' As the day finally arrives, rabbits flown in on a corporate jet and whisked to the bear convention in a private limousine. After a meal and some soft music to set the mood, the lights dim and rabbit takes the stage. Squinting into the glare of the spotlight and casting a shadow against the soft velvety plush curtain backdrop at the podium, rabbit clears his throat rather harshly and begins to speak.

"Is this thing on?" he queries, as the sound system howls and squeals in a tortured manner with feedback. "Thank you for allowing me to speak at your convention" he continues, after the ursine technicians get everything squared away. "On the topic of 'does shit stick to my butt,' I would just like to say, you _would_ _not_ _believe_ how aften I am axed this question.' Loosening his tie and kravatte, so that he may speak a little more comfortably, he continues. "In response to your concerns, I would just like to say... POOP!"

oh dear

Radio Yerevan is asked: this one was sent in from a listener of our popular 'Cultural Interchanges With the West' programme. Our listener asks, is it true East Germans prefer intellectual, sociopolitical humor about current affairs and the issues, while West Germans prefer scatological bathroom jokes?

Radio Yerevan answers: In principle, yes. But ever hear the one about the time Honeker shit his pants

unoriginal

4 russians are sitting in a car at the airport waiting for someone. One of them married an american; hes sitting in the front passenger seat. He asks, "what if the guy has a gun?" The guy sitting behind him says, "we have a gun too," pulls one out and shoots him in the back of the head.

- this was notable because it was related as a true story and i get the feeling it was fed to back to be from something I said on the phone. I seem to get that a lot

next

Q: Im walking funny, I feel like I had something shoved up my ass

A: Want some more cheese

this just in

Q: why did whoever keeps running the 'russia hacked' -type articles at bbc cross the road

A: it didnt. its still standing on the side of the road scratching itself wondering loss 'why am I here?'

forgot this turns out I didnt make any backups

oh that was a close save

Achim a belle and a dammit forgot walk into a bar

All right heres another went missing now appears to be out of order

Guy in new york snatches a kid. Kid starts to come too early, maybe chloroform was too weak they been stealing it watering it down kids dad was smoking crack kid just resistant who knows kid starts coming too right when snatcher notices the parents looking for em, quickly dips in the nearest convenient doorway - turns out to be shneersons tomb. Guy knows its only a matter of time when suddenly guys sees couple frum haredi visitors on their way in. thinking quickly, he takes the kid and puts em up on the rabbis grave and dips out. Guys come in dont even really notice the guy leaving

maybe he stuck em with the snatchkid jab needle the fake dea/moonies those types use to ease their little business typical fake raj bioterrorists - and they see newly enraged from the fake naak they see this kid on the grave right so they jump up there to rememdy this grevious insult to their culture and right then the parents show up and try to get their kid from these guys you know. Right at this moment Hershel shows up hes making his weekly visit losing faith in humanity trying to cheer himself up you know sees this and flees back to boro park

ay hershel youre already back from your visit to the rabbis tomb already ? you look like youve seen a ghost! didnt it go well

ay shlomo yeah weve always agreed how bad things are getting - but I regret to have to tell you things are even worse. At this moment it greatly saddens and pains me to be forced to inform you - yes Ive just been to the rabbis tomb - and they are dancing on his grave !

not that funny really

same thing i guess not that funny

guys hear this guys trying to get out of paying child support by relying on the new precedent set in the Jahna Lindemuth#Controversy case ? hes arguing before the Court that its immaterial whether he left his semen on her or in her

too bad this one was next

speaking with a forked tongue here

greasabelle i comes home hard day rigging sats blackmailing people foursquare six sigma managing administering and logisticking the murder of generals for the fake moonie base cafeteria and hospital human and heroin trafficking contractors or whoever having kids snatched got her ecosacs of sustainables grobean drove her home on his kidnap gas chain murder city bus weinstein sprayed her on the side of the road with his black truck sick and miserable and she notices the cover to the bobbit worm is open so she bends over to look and- her glasses fall in the tank! - and so she goes for her emergency backup pair on the table and - like fake diana vibrating the marbles from across the room - the worm kinda ngngng and they- slide off the table! - and- theyre gone! - and right then she notices - the worms sticking its radula out at her! so she- sticks her tongue out at the worm- and it goes - pthbbbbb! so she- closes her eyes so she doesnt get spit in em and also goes pth- and the worm bites her tongue in half

oldy but goody

schneersons kickin back in heaven. hears this dreadful racket rips him from his slumber throws on his silk bathrobe runs outside his bungalow at the cul de sac of the quiet leafy avenue in his suburb and heres henry ford ok blowing a shofar. rabbis like what the fuck henry what the fuck are you doing man its 3 in the morning what the hells wrong with you. henrys like oh hey rabbi. i was looking on the bosses calendar, and- chevy starts at sunset

there was a these are all hand crafted, by the way that obviously the censor/oversighter/moser whatever you want to call em got apparently

not safe for garden party

paddington, octavia veracruz and jeb bushs valet are sitting playing high stakes poker at the taj memphis. invariably the conversation - not being a garden party - turns to the inevitable topic you know, uh- politics.

since the air conditioning fan hasnt been oiled in a while the bartender next room spit polishing the glasses can only make out fragments of the conversation. this is what he overhears:

good satanic lackey, danak trumbama. still no real coffee just roofies and dogshit

thats a river in volga, dude. fuck yoreself

is there any money in asking stupid questions like 'what drives him'

I know that one vienna fingers and diet coke

hes got 3 things going for him in that regard - late birth, location location location and hes got mom. hes waayyyyy ahead of me on that one

his good looks, charm, charisma and intellect I envy. the location- not so much

forgot about wisdom

yeah that too

heres another one went missing shit has to stop

so howd the hot date go

- well not so good actually - she asked if I wanted to go back to her place and get nasty

and ? did you get some

- well you might say - but no when we arrived there she injected me with her menstrual blood and nail polish remover

I know yore like omg what cellularoutfitter

vip ? what

uh omg you are snatching pets and kids and choking women to death with plastic bags and then shocking em while raping em - not too many other countries they can do that huh at least not get ratepayer handouts and police protection to do it huh epstein

anyway thanks a lot

what else can we piss up against the wall with the moral high ground

its like the elephant painting the hearts and minds are already on there

11 minutes

]but refuse obstinately if not obtusely to do anything just make accusations instead. cute

cutern a lil red hentai going up a yellow barn how true that is

see also

• joke
• death by laughter
• radio yerevan joke
• political humor
• worlds funniest joke